a few weeks back, i’d asked

V: Okay, shall we start??

M: Hey! Sorry ):

M: Start.

V: So, are we just gonna talk about random stuff or do you have something specific?

M: So, one line you write, and I'd respond to that in my way. It can be anything. Question or a thought or anything. 

V: Okay. Here goes. I always believe what we think of a person, if we are really confused about this, observe your dream. See how you behave with them in your dream or what actions you take which affect them in your dream and you’ll get a rough idea about them. 

M: Our subconscious, speaking to us. I had a dream two days back. Very normal, nothing thrilling and yet with an emotional undernote. My only ex-BF or rather closest buddy would get married soon, his partner doesn’t want us to be friends and I thought I had my closure. I am so happy for him that he’s getting married, even though he hasn’t told me this or the fact that he won’t be in contact because of his partner (it’s a love marriage <3), but, turns out, I probably needed closure. I dreamt of him. Your point proved. - although I was supportive to him in his decision whatever he had in mind. That’s all I remember. 

V: That’s a very sad love story plot for me to digest. But I guess you are really very sceptical about his partner. I mean you barely know her, I guess and that is why you have some doubts about her. But I mean, he will be in touch with you. I’d rather advise you to cut all contacts with him as soon as possible but I don’t know. 

M: We haven’t talked in a very long time actually. And I got to know this as well through a friend. And rather than me having doubts about his partner, it was his words that had stayed when he’d informed me he has good news and has fixed a partner, my question was, “are you happy?”, and his answer was, “I'm not sure.” Maybe, it’s me worrying for him as his best friend. Subconsciously. But, he’ll be happy I know. So, that’s all about dreams. 

V: Yeah. You’re one of the kindest people I know. I mean I can never be this kind. So cheers to that. Plus about this dream thing, I always have this dream where I am stabbing or literally poking my Science teacher from school. And whenever someone asks me about him, I lie to them that he was nice and all but honestly speaking, I hated him. I still do. And this is how I came to dream-theory. 

M: What was the reason?

V: He was the main reason I broke up with my first girlfriend. And then she had to leave the school and go to a different school. I don’t even know whether or not she is still alive cause her parents were very strict. I mean there was a rumour in our school that her father had murdered her ex’s mom and then married again. So that’s why I hate him. 

M: Wooooo! That literally gave me a chill. Feels right out of a thriller movie or book. Do you still have that dream?

V: Yeah. I still do. And everytime I see him, there are chances that I will kill him. And this comes from me, who hasn’t been in a single fight in my entire life. I don’t even remember I have hit someone with the intention of hurting them. 

M: These incidents do mess us up! It’s so easy to say, “It’s okay.” when someone apologizes and as difficult to actually do that. Forgive or Forget, does it ever work?

V: I guess to forget, you have to forgive them first. Otherwise it’s gonna come back in some form or another.

M: But, it’s difficult to forgive, no matter how hard we try. I remember how my Baa (grandma) remembered all her tales from early marriage, how her sister-in-law and her mother-in-law used to beat her, not give her food and all those incidents. And she used to cry. She would’ve been 70 or so when she told me about those things. Erasing memories. That also feels like Dementia? Is a good way to get old 😛 Irony!

V: She still remembers cause she hasn’t forgiven. And once you’ve forgiven someone, I mean it’s very easy to forget. But yeah, forgiving someone is very difficult. Mere hi dekhle, I haven’t forgiven him. But tbh I will really do, when I will JUST know ki she’s alive. Aur kuch nahi chahiyee. 

M: I hope you get to know this soon. And I really hope she’s alive. Where did this happen?

V: In Jaysingpur, Kolhapur, Maharashtra.

M: Haven’t heard of this place. Achha, let’s just say a prayer for her. I’ll continue this in a minute. As we pray. 

I hope the universe listens. 

It does listen. 

V: Do you believe in prayers and stuff?

M: I’ve started. There have been a few things that’ve happened that got me to believe in prayers. At least the ones done for others. I’d made a list of things I want for my loved ones. And one of them was my three best friends (males), getting very warm families. And two of them are about to get married. One is that ex-BF and buddy jyada wala dost. One would soon give us some good news. I prayed that way for 10 people. And there are still 3 more wishes that’ve come true from these. Wishes or prayers. Whatever you say 🙂

Do you?

V: For me, I am always stopping myself from praying or asking anything from almighty. Like three months ago, when I was sitting in the room and they were about to announce the final results of our interview, one of the voice inside me was saying ki pray to god and ask him, make some commitments, and the other one was “ no, we have come this far without his help and all, why to loose faith in our efforts and principles in this crucial stage” And then I didn’t pray. But still got selected. And then cut to 15 mins later, I was so glad that I didn’t pray. Yeah this must be sounding absurd, right???

M: Not at all. We all have our own ways. And I am still an agnostic, I don’t know if god exists. I consider the Universe my kartaharta. The power that the universe and mostly NATURE has. In the way things happen with us, in the way it feels that the universe is leaving some sort of signs for us to pick whenever we are at that point of difficult decision-making. Or whenever we feel, this is it. It won’t get any better and just want to leave everything and vanish in thin air, the universe would come around and leave notes in the form of fireflies.

V: But aren't the universe and nature the same thing for you? I mean for me they are the same. Universe, Nature, Life all the same. 

M: YES! That’s why I said NATURE. So, mostly it’s the life in us, as an individual and the life that surrounds us. I’m feeling so euphoric and yet peaceful since the past few days, especially after my birthday. Because I feel that constant connection with myself and the collective consciousness of life around me. 

V: And how did you attain this consciousness?

M: Very tricky thing to answer :P I keep drifting. It’s like my consciousness is the waves of the ocean, they keep having tides and ebbs. There are days when I’d feel otherwise. But, then there are these too when I feel in harmony with every-fucking-thing! I don’t know how it happens. I’ve had my doubts about being Bipolar :P

V: YEAH, Ohh this is what Collective Consciousness is. Okay, I get it. And it’s a really nice feeling when everything just clicks. Like one time, I was very nervous about a person, whether or not to DM them, But turns out she messaged me on that same day and we started having these insane conversations. Is this what your collective consciousness thing is?

M: That might be. I’d say it is serendipity though. And rather than everything just clicking, for me, it’s more like, being okay and in bliss with whatever IS. Ummm, so the sun rises for us Earth Dwellers, and it sets and we have seasons and we have our moods in alignment with both of these elements of nature. We don’t feel much chirpy when we don’t get much sun, or some days when the clouds take over the entire sky and weigh it down. So, I think that’s more of it for me. Being one with nature? Maybe? Tumhare wala bhi keh sakte he, and I label those things as SIGN! 

V: Two things I wanna ask. Have you watched the movie Serendipity? And the second thing is that I just looooove it when there are overcast conditions. Like it always reminds me of Summer holidays. And I pray to the god that please aaj barish na ho so that I get to go outside. Plus its the perfect whether. Na jyada baarish, na thand, na garmi. It’s like 23 degrees waala AC ka setting. Hei na????

M: Areee! This whole thing, the later one, brought a smile to my face. Especially that 23 degrees wala AC ka setting. That comfort zone. Answering your questions; Yes, I’ve watched Serendipity, a long long time back, so have mostly forgotten, but remember the storyline, something to do with a book and they’d meet through that book, if there were meant to, right? And I have very mixed feelings for that weather. In the initial days, for a few days, I'd love that kinda weather. But soon start feeling gloomy with all those greys 🙁

V: It’s also my favourite condition because it’s the sign ki abhi bahaut jor se baarish hone waali hei. And soon the rainy season is gonna reach its peak. And I love the rainy season. Pune monsoons. So these conditions give me this feeling just like how when a letter used to arrive at my home saying ki my dad’s gonna come in like 5-6 days from Kashmir and I used to count the days backwards. I don’t know, it’s a very delightful feeling even to wait for good news that you know is gonna hit you any moment.

M: This is such a beautiful memory. I was picturing you by a window with that letter in your hand and a smile on your face, anticipation in your heart. Yes, the arrival of rains is my favourite time of the year, too. You’d love it in Junagadh. I’ll host you at my home some day, whenever you’d have the bandwidth to come here. Waiting is a good feeling, missing is a good feeling and all those feelings that we experience before something is about to happen, are all good feelings to feel. I can’t imagine how it would be to have your dad in the force. My dad wanted to, he had passed even, but my Baa denied, saying “I can’t send away my kids.” Your family would be indeed strong! 

V: My dad actually had an argument with my daadi and left the house. Cut to one year later, he arrived in his uniform when my daadi and his five brothers had half-declared him dead. That’s a fun story my daadi tells me everytime I ask her about my dad. Plus, when my dad used to comeThose days, I didn’t go to school for most of those days. We’d sit and watch cricket matches, we’d go hiking, or discuss politics about which both of us had no clue. And most of all, GIFTS. He used to bring a ton of them for everyone. So yeah, the Good old days. 

M: Ahaaa! I always have this feeling, to witness such private emotions of people. I feel guilty too, and sometimes when some people hug, I want to see those emotions, but I turn away because it’s their space. But, at the same time, I love seeing those twinkling eyes, in your case, every time you’d be in the presence of your dad, once he’d have come home. I actually pictured this scene you just told. And Daadis are so cutudis, no?! They can get away with anything. Even something as serious as what you said!

V: My daadi toh is BADASS. She was the one who made her mother-in-law’s life difficult. And so no wonder she gets away with anything. 😀

M: Salaam! And should we keep doing this? Say once in two months or so? - something titled “Just two people having conversations, Part 1” 😀

V: Yeah. We can. I really loved this. We can do this on a fortnightly basis. What do you say??

M: What I loved the most about this is how each one of us can see what the other is typing, sometimes even guess maybe and then wait till one has finished and get back. And let’s do it once a month! This feels like a negotiation reeee! 

V: Okay. Once a month it is. I am very bad at negotiations. 

M: I’m bad too, but you being bad made it easier for me I guess 😛

So, let’s sign off, I’ll copy-paste this, mostly unedited on Substack at 12.00 AM, that’s like in a few hours adding you as the co-writer. It was lovely having conversations, random conversations with you, Vrushabh (hug)

V: Yeah. Just check the spelling mistakes and we’re fine. Also, I loved this. Take Care, I keep forgetting your name.

M: My God! Yes, for the spellings. Not done, for forgetting my name. 

V: It’s Mitali. 😂 Chalo… Shabbakher, Shukriya, and Jai Hind. 

M: Until next time! Unfiltered Conversations, Vrushabh?

V: Yep, can’t wait!!!!